Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, and said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinarian.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Thanx to Steve Dupont for this one!

I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.  I am making some changes in my life.  Please leave a message after the beep.  If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

An Irishmen goes into the bar and orders 3 Guinness.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand.  I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the United States.  We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together.  So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers as soon as he enters the bar.  

Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more.  The bartender sadly says, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to say that I’m sorry one of your bothers died.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."